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Satin Sheets Suck!

When making the bed yesterday, I put my fingers through our current threadbare sheets. Obviously time for new ones!  So I run to Bed, Bath, and Beyond in hopes of finding the perfect sheets. Little did I know how difficult this task would be…there are HUNDREDS to choose from! Now, I know what I want…I want something nice, something soft, something that feels like it’s caressing my body as I curl up in my fetal position–obviously that last request will cost extra, but I was willing to cough it up!

I spent a long time massaging and caressing the swatches they had on display that not only was I getting them dirty (definitely NOT getting those!), but I had workers asking me if they could help. After the second worker comes by, I take the hint and decide to go with the sage green satin sheets. I honestly LOVED the feel of them…they were so silky and smooth…they practically DID caress my skin as I ran them over my arm and cheek. I honestly thought these sheets and I had an instant connection! So I purchase them…and bring them home…to a boyfriend that just shakes his head when I pull them proudly out of the bag.

“Jen, have you ever slept on satin sheets before?” he asks as he gives me the whole ‘why me’ eye roll. “No, but I hear the rich and famous use them because it won’t leave creases on your face when you wake up!” I say that last part in a kinda evil way, hoping he’ll think I’m talking about HIS face. So I snatch the beautiful, silky sheets out of his nasty hands (he’s not worthy of their wonderfulness!) and proceed to wash and dry them.

That night James makes the bed for me while I’m getting ready for bed. NOW, there are a few rules I feel I must tell you about when you get into a satin sheet bed for the first time.  Rule number one: take sandpaper to your skin and rough it up! I did not do this…I had just finished spraying my new, silky sheets down with my favorite lavender vanilla smell, giddy with the prospect of sleeping on this new miracle I had found, when I felt myself falling to the floor. It seems the sheets didn’t like MY silky smooth body! Luckily my reaction time (believe it or not) was pretty good, and I was able to stop my lower half from shooting to the floor. Rule Number two: don’t move! Don’t breathe, don’t shift, and don’t even THINK about turning over…again, you will end up shooting to the floor.

It was a rough night’s sleep. I’m not gonna lie. It was horrible. When I sleep, I’m kinda like the Princess and the Pea, I have to sleep a certain way and one little thing will have me all out of whack. This morning, my two pillows and one neck pillow were scattered everywhere (without my neck pillow I wake up with headaches…like the one I have this morning)…and under my knees I sleep with at LEAST three, sometimes four (If I can sneak one away from James)…these pillows were ALSO on the floor (hence my horrible back pain!).  ALSO on the floor were my cell phone and kindle (bedtime requirements).

When I’m finally able to turn my body over to see about James, the first thing I notice is that his side of the bed is empty…usually I’m the first one up. Oh, wait, it’s not empty…he’s just slid down to my KNEES!!!  I couldn’t help myself…I started giggling. He opens one eye to glare at me. This makes me laugh even more. I watch in silence (okay, tiny giggles) as he wrestles and slides his way back up the bed. The whole time grumbling about having to keep a death-like grip on the pillow or it will again shoot out onto the floor. He finally makes it back up to the top of the bed, only to have the pillow slide over toward me. Yanking it back, he flops over on his back and shoves it under his head in one quick motion (pretty darn impressive I must say!). “It’s like sleeping in an oil spill!” he laughs. That was a mistake, because the laughter has now caused the pillow to slide upward toward the top of the bed. “Oh, great, now my head is resting on 4 percent of the pillow!” he practically shouts!  I can only giggle more…which makes him start chuckling again.  BIG MISTAKE!!!  The pillow slides the rest of the way out from under his head.

PLOP! His head hits the satin sheets. “So, Jen, this is how the rich and famous live, huh?” I laugh! Unfortunately I laugh so hard I start to slide toward the edge of the bed! I try grabbing on to him…but he aint’ havin’ it! He smacks my hands away…I’m now in a precarious position…one slight, teeny, tiny movement and I’ll be a goner! I rack my brain for solutions (McGuyver has nothing on me!)…as I’m thinking, James has gone back to sleep…his snoring has caused movement, and the next thing I know I’m next to my cell phone and kindle on the floor.

Satin Sheets Suck! They will be returned today!

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